New Year, Same Lies

Welcome to The New Year, The Black Community. We leave the murderous December of 2011, and catapult directly into January, which is sure to be filled with fake ambitions. No Wale. Each year we in The Black Community take a break from the debauchery and drunk driving of New Years to announce to the world that we are preparing to change our lives for the better, although everybody will be back to their terrible selves by February.

The New Year’s Resolution in The Black Community is a mixture between Twitter Philosophy and Pride. It’s similar to those annoying Horoscope Tweets broadcast every morning. At 5am we are ready to face the world with the reminder that “Something special is coming your way, so make the most of it!”, only to forget that special something by lunchtime. We in The Black Community thrive on creating the illusion that we are really improving ourselves, when most of the time we are doing the exact opposite. It’s easy to tweet about studying when actually lounging around the apartment in your underwear. There is no better time to do this than New Years. Everybody else is making promises they can’t keep, we might as well jump in as well.

New Year’s Resolutions wouldn’t be so bad if they were actually feasible. Shones are making resolutions to not give up the Goodies until the SECOND Redbox Date. Gainesville locals are resolving to only commit one murder a month, so that The Black Community can again be accepting of our Jean Shorts wearing neighbors. The Girls outside the HUB are resolving to trap a Football Player with a child before she graduates. We resolved to publish posts in a more consistent manner, but we all know that’s not about to happen.

New Year. New Flauging. For an exciting drinking game, take a drink for every time you see “2012 is going to be my year”. Oh. Flaugers say that every year. When is it going to happen? If the conspiracy theorists are right, this will be the last year for Flaugers to claim before Florida Blue Key completes their mission to destroy the world in December of 2012. The people claiming this falsehood are the same people searching Google for 

motivational quotes to post as their Facebook status. We don’t believe you.

Everybody is going to make a change this year. At least for 2 weeks. Walk into the Southwest Roid Rage Recreation Center next week, and it will be full of people trying to get their “sexy” on. They’ll be lined up at Burger King waiting for their Triple Stacker the next week. Soberness will last until FISS. Gas Reduction will last until you smell RTS bus filled with Exchange Students. Academic Excellence will last until the Greeks throw a signature party. Positive Female Attitudes will last until the new season of The Game returns.  Kudos to anyone that actually keeps up with their resolution until March. You are a stronger person than the entire Black Community.

What resolution are you planning on failing to keep this year? Leave us a comment below.