V-Day: The Great Facade

FROM THE VAULT: V-Day: The Great Facade

Valentine’s Day is The Great Façade of The Black Community. That special day of the year in which more lying occurs than any Student Government campaign. Redbox’s around town will be completely sold out, as Men continue to trick dumb girls into believing they are special. If he comes home holding a red disc and a value meal from Taco Bell, he don’t love you. Meanwhile, unsuspecting Females are being hit with the realization that they are the side chick, even after her “Him” told her she was the only one. On this day Females’ Bullshit Radar is compromised, so Ninjas are feeding females lines straight from Tyler Perry movies to get their 15 minutes of passion on before saying the exact same thing to the next sucker.

Valentine’s Day is the ultimate supermarket sweep for the Shady Ninjas. On no other day of the year do all the girls on the team want to have sex immediately. Because of the effect that Sex & The City and the numerous “Non-Wife Wife Shows” on VH1 have had on the psyche of modern Women, Females are more vulnerable than ever on Valentine’s Day. No girl wants to be alone eating ice-cream and watching The Game on this day. Pooch Hall can only satisfy a Woman through the Television for so long. She is going to need an actual physical man to say a few words to her this day to keep her self-esteem afloat and confirm to herself that she is indeed a “bad bitch”. Females will literally cease to function if they can’t confirm their “bad bitch-ness”. Thus, anything can be said to a Girl this day and her underwear will instantly melt off. Drake CD’s are about to be sold out. Play 30 seconds of any Drake song, and Females will get on their knees and start proposing. For the hoodrats on RTS, a simple “Your Lacefront looks nice today”, will have you in bed that night and on Maury the week after. Even those Ninjas who retweet from @TheNotebook everyday to get a Female to notice them have a chance to finally feel the touch of a Woman. Somewhere LaTrace “Sensitive Ninja” Brown is smiling.

For guys, the ultimate dilemma on Valentine’s day is Juggling all the girls they have on the team. The Side Chicks want Main Chick Benefits, because they believe they are the Main Chick of course. The ability of Men to manipulate minds is amazing. Whereas the Main Chick already has a whole itinerary planned which includes a Man’s #1 Fear; BEING SEEN TOGETHER IN PUBLIC. Nevermind her plan to take pictures together and put them as Facebook Profile Pictures. That’s grounds for the death penalty. Therein lays the problem of keeping all the girls happy without expending too much time or effort. You can’t take them all to Red Lobster, which of course is the only true way to show love.

On the other hand, Valentine’s Day could be the biggest gamble of life for Females. All over Twitter and Facebook we see updates about the magical “Him”. “Him” is that elusive guy that girls are talking to, but unable to name because talking to someone requires that both parties act like secret agents. It all goes back to a man's #1 Fear: PUBLIC ATTENTION. Or the fact that “Him” is more than one person. You gotta maintain appearances out here, The Black Community. All the fruits of labor done for “Him” come to bear on this day. Females get to see if all the times she let “Him” come over at 2am, all the Redbox Movies she’s seen, and all the Dollar Menu food she’s eaten are really worth anything. Here’s a clue, it doesn’t. 

Unfortunately, many unsuspecting females get hit with the missing “Him” on Valentine’s Day. Anonymity is a killer. Many girls find out that their “Him” is also someone else’s “Him”. Oh the irony! For some, Valentine’s Day is when girls find out their true worth. Every girl is aiming for the Main Chick status instead of the Side Chick, (You should be aiming higher…!) and this is where they can finally find out. Everything depends on “His” actions. If “Him” is suddenly unavailable or “busy”, as Men like to say, it’s not looking too good. Give “Him” some time though, he may have many girls to juggle. He’ll come around in order of worth, with the Main getting the romantic night out. Beware if “Him” wants to come visit at 6am! If the gift “Him” bought still has the tag on from Dollar Tree, it’s time to re-evaluate your life. Although, give “Him” points for being slightly courteous.  Also beware of identical gifts. Reality starts to look grim when the Shone with the life-time pass to STATUS is talking about the same hand-made card that you also received. Ninjas can get creative on Microsoft Word and hit you with those multiple copies.

There’s nothing to be too terrified about though. As long as girls pick reasonable “Him’s”, they should be fine. That mean’s staying away from Gainesville Locals and picking Ninjas with decent vocabulary skills. If “Him” can recite Plies and Gucci Mane songs verbatim, but can’t remember your name, time to start choosing. And If the ratio of Gold Fronts to teeth is astronomical, he might not be a good “Him”. Side-Chicks need love too, and "Him" will at least send a text if he really cares. "Him" still wants to keep his biggest fans on the sidelines.