FISS Sing-Along Guide

Here is it, your sing-along guide to FISS 2012. The theme for this year was Back to the Basics, mixing the old school with new school. The Black Community has been begging for FISS to finally bring all 9 teams to the O’Dome and this year we finally got it. Be careful what you wish for. It’s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in those 9 teams looks good on paper. A curse in that 3 teams embarrassed themselves.

7:00pm: FISS Starts on time. Black People are in shock. The host comes out and welcomes a half empty crowd. The rest of The Black Community is still at home getting ready. FISS was catering towards a white audience this year. You gon’ learn, The Black Community.

Intro

Doug. E. Fresh comes out and shows off his awesome reading skills and then walks off the stage. Back in his day they hadn’t invented hosting yet. It’s gonna be a long night. The intro steppers come on stage. Our current Greeks are paired up with some old Greeks we’ve never seen before. They probably pledged when we were still in middle school. They do some circle of events type of step. We weren’t really paying attention at this point because we had just walked in the door. We were told FISS started at 7:30.

Round 1 – SGRho “School Time”

The SGRhos come out in some school theme? We couldn’t really tell what was going on. They do some steps. Halfway throughout the show our mind wanders to thoughts of Cheeseburgers. They act like the guy Fraternities and then walk off the stage. We clap as we think about the loan we have to take out to pay for our Skatestation Tickets. Mind goes back to thinking about Cheeseburgers.

Break

Doug E. Fresh comes out again; ready to read 20 words from a piece of paper. Wasn’t he supposed to be The Host with The Most? Doug. E. Fresh is saving his hosting powers for later in the show. We swear he’s on for about 30 seconds before he walks backstage to revel in the money he’s getting paid. Bernie “Never Broke” Machen must have given him a pep talk before the show.

Round 2 - Ques “Chuch!”

The Ques show us a video of all of them in Chuch! We thought we were getting pranked. They have some pastor T.D. Jakes type of guy yelling incomprehensible nonsense, like in a real Black Church. The Ques come out in all Purple Church robes and those gold boots they always wear. We are still amazed by the fact that Ques are in Chuch! The Ques do some workout moves taken straight from Zumba (they don’t step), and makes us ashamed of thinking about Cheeseburgers. There’s a fat Que who is constantly sneaking away to eat a Snicker’s Bar. Lol Chubby Humor. The Ques have a pretty good show, great stunts and whatnot. They even found a sense of humor. Thumbs up for this one.

Round 3 – Alphas “Gold Tails”

The Alphas come out and THANK GOD IT’S NOT ALPHASTAD. Whew. We think even the Alphas have learned from that abomination. Capitalizing off the biggest Black film that’s NOT a Tyler Perry Movie, they go for the Red Tails theme. They are stepping in trashman…airman suits. Nothing really to see here, pretty standard fare. We were low-key looking for a crazy midget to jump off a ladder.

Round 4 – Deltas “Boot Camp”

The Deltas come out in full military garb. These girls are loud! They are stepper’s steppers. No nonsense, just lots of stepping and clapping. The military theme really lends itself to images of hazing, with the Drill Instructor barking out orders to the step team. Somewhere the National Media was lurking around, ready to yell “HAZING!”, as they break their next cover story.

Intermission

Aww shit. You can’t just leave open space and play hit songs, they Greeks are going to go crazy.Of course all the Greeks swarm the show floor and start dancing on the people with floor seats. Over-privileged Illuminati members are scoffing as the Greeks invade their territory, because they don’t deserve this. It’s a madhouse down there. It takes 15 minutes to finally clear the Greeks off the floor.

End Intermission

Doug E. Fresh comes back on stage with new words to read. Up to this point, Fresh has improvised a total of 0 words. He was touted as the biggest addition to the show, but he left his hosting skills back in Cali with LL Cool J. We shudder to think how much of our tuition went to this man. He’s getting paid epically for doing nothing. An even bigger sham than Bernie “Big Bank” Machen could ever pull off. The DJ, who’s more live than Mr. Fresh plays some jams to wake the crowd from their slumber. Doug E. Fresh goes into some Old School vs. New School Music Battle, playing all our favorite jams, and then playing some songs for our parents. Finally the DJ plays “Teach me how to Dougie” and Doug. E. Fresh can’t Dougie! That arthritis in old age really gets to you.

Round 5 – Kappas “Generic Theme”

The Kappas come out in some Generic Theme. They must have decided they were going to forego any creativity and stick to the classic Kappa theme; dressed up in bowties doing stuff to make girls scream. It never fails. We don’t think they were out to win more than they were aiming to take as many girls home as possible. They were up on stage, shaking their shoulders, eyeing girls in the crowd they were going to holler at later. 11 minutes later 50 girls knew they were going to spend the rest of their night looking face-up at the ceiling.

Round 6 – Zetas “Nicki Minaj”

Z-List Zetas were next. They were aiming for high standards with that name. These Zetas must have been on drugs. They came out in some Tron, Nicki Minaj, Ecstacy, Mental Asylum theme. We almost started hallucinating ourselves. They were really into this techno theme. They even had Skrillex playing. By Skrillex, we mean any music that sounds like two chainsaws having sex. They had pulsing lights going off every 5 minutes. Someone had an epileptic seizure in the crowd. Once the show was over we beamed back to Earth, and to reality. We’ll never make fun of “Spaceships on Bankhead” ever again.

Round 7 – Iotas “Zombies”

Clearly the Iota had watched one too many science fiction movies in their childhood. Prior to the show, the Iotas passed out 3-D glasses to the crowd. We didn’t even know they were for the Iota’s show. We were using them during the Zeta’s performance. The Iotas had a live video of tweets streaming during the entire show to distract from their stepping. They even made a fake tweet for @TheSetIsDead in their video. We smiled as we were now officially Twitter Famous.  The Iotas stepped blindfolded and did some Thriller thing. It’s now between them and the Ques for best show.

Round 8 – Sigmas “Holy Shit”

What the entire fuck. We don’t know what the hell happened with this show. It’s like the Sigmas were deliberately out to prank us, and they did a pretty damn good job. We thought this was going to be just a regular step show, but 5 minutes into it, the whole thing deteriorated. Some ninja came on stage dressed like the retarded guy from Martin. Yeah, Martin, that new hotness that you used to watch back in your playpen. This ninja was rambling on stage for 10 minutes about something or other. All thoughts about Cheeseburgers ceased immediately as we watched this train wreck in motion. There was a slo-mo homoerotic wrestling scene, and ninjas in Adidas jumpsuits. These ninjas were instantly destroying all vestiges of their dignity. It was like a terrible episode of Wild N Out. It made Nick Cannon look funny. Nobody should be applauded for that. Our own Sigmas were showing their disgust on Twitter, as they knew these Sigmas were going to destroy any chance of them trapping any girls that weekend.

Round 9 – AKAs “Almost Porn”

The AKAs came out in skin-tight pink jumpsuits, and God bless them for it. The AKAs did a “Service to All Mankind” with the girls they put on stage. They were doing gymnastics and shit, and we couldn’t stop smiling. As they say at The Shone Table by The HUB “The thirst is real!”. We completely forgot what their show was about, but we watched with our jaw on the floor the entire time.

Winners: Iotas, Deltas

FISS this year was a solid show. The theme lent itself well to the show, eliminating the crazy events of the past, and guaranteeing we would never see another ALPHASTAD. Praise Black Jesus. Doug E. Fresh was a tremendous flop. No more senior citizens hosting again, please. We don’t know if all 9 teams were worth it, as most of the time we were thinking about Cheeseburgers and almost fell asleep as the show stretched into 10pm. We’ll be okay complaining about only having 6 teams again. Overall, FISS 2012 was an enjoyable show. Even the terrible acts were entertaining, if only in a bad way.