BHM Trends (That Should Die)

For some reason this year, The Black Community, we used Black History Month as a time to make complete fools of ourselves. Today marks the end of one of the most painful Black History Months in recent history. It seemed like Black Folks were losing every day. You’d log on to Black People Twitter and see a black icon like Whitney Houston or the Pimp that invented Soul Train had passed away. Or some hoodrats were fighting over some McNuggets at your local burger joint. Or a Black Pornstar had contracted AIDS. (R.I.P. Pinky...) World Star Hip Hop had record views this month. The rest of the world could only look on in disgust. Below are some trends that made us give a big “SMH!” to The Black Community.

Going Natural

Amber Rose done went and brainwashed all or our Black Women. It’s the White Man’s way of getting back at the Black Males for electing President Obama. Every day, new girls were coming out to the campus bald. Females were throwing away everything that made them beautiful, and sent their attractiveness straight through the floor. If women can be shallow and only demand Men taller than them, then Men can demand Women have more hair than them. We can't remember any Men exclaiming that bald girls are sexy. Don't know where girls are getting this idea from. Instead of embracing the little hair that they do have and accentuating it with some weave from the Koreans, females are saying fuck it all and attacking their heads with a 0 guard.  This would be great if every Black Woman was a White Woman that looked like Amber Rose. But alas, not everyone is so blessed. Damn Biology. Keeping up with Black Girl Hair can't be that hard, those girls at FAMU live off box-perms alone. Females have a terrible at predicting the repercussions of their actions. The ugly friends are smiling menacingly, encouraging their prettier counterparts to shave their heads, knowing all the while they are finally about to get their shine.

The haircut is confusing as hell. Females that you would creep on after the club at STATUS now look just like your homeboys. You be about to give them a high-five and everything. No ninja wants to be with a girl that has a better fade than he does. They can share brushes and doo-rags together, awww cute. It must be highly disturbing hitting it from the back and seeing the same edge-up as Jerome from the gym. Pause. The long flowing hair look that we’ve come to know and love is under scrutiny. Is Beyonce no longer an acceptable role model? Start being shallow again men. If you can’t pinch an inch, it’s time to ditch. Show women this can't stand. Start dating White Women in masses, so that Black Women can get riled up and get back to being beautiful again.

Political Activism

Black People somehow feel the need to push every pointless political agenda this month, you know, before White History Year comes back around. Idiots are on Twitter and Facebook trying to entice others to sign a petition to resurrect Martin Luther King, Jr. Ninjas are trying to enlighten us to the horrors of low pay rates in Madgascar, while camping out for new Jordans. The Haitians are STILL trying to trick people into giving money to Wyclef Jean so he can buy Bentleys. Next, ninjas are going to fight to get EBT accepted at Popeyes and Church's Chicken. Or has that happened already? At the local level, people set to benefit coerce students into voting for shady political parties. Nevermind having any real knowledge of politics. Remember, you can only make a change in your community, by voting for SOMEONE ELSE to do it for you. It’s for the good of The Black Community folks. If only we were so active when it came time to vote, we might have a Black Man in the White House. Oh wait.

Random Acts of Violence

People in The Black Community continue to kill each other, making Bernie “Fat Stacks” Machen’s job that much easier. Channeling their inner Malcolm X. We should have all been holding hands singing the Negro National Anthem. But ninjas were out in the street collecting bodies. Gainesville looked like a scene out of Training Day as girls were running each other over with cars. The violence from STATUS and random Gainesville Locals was transferred to campus. It’s becoming a madhouse out here. You now have to walk around campus with a concealed weapon. Ninjas getting jumped outside of Murphree and shit. Since when dorms become the trap spot? Ninjas out here keeping it too real. Campus is the new hood. Must be those Duval students again. Ninjas getting murdered at the bus stop, waiting to go to class. God Bless anyone that doesn’t have a scooter or a car. The attackers were dumb enough to found on campus 30 minutes later. Worst Hide N' Seek players ever. We'll be posted at the bus stop eyeing anybody that walks up looking suspicious. Soon we’ll see those SNAP Vans bulletproof, completely outfitted in metal, looking like those bank security trucks. The city of Gainesville almost issued a curfew for all Black People in the city. It would have made STATUS a peaceful haven, but it would have totally destroyed our nightlife.

We’ll look to put this month behind us, as we move back into White History Year. With the spotlight no longer on The Black Community, people should be less antsy and the nonsense should stop. Spring Break is right around the corner, we need to live in order to get completely wasted.