Party Near The Pool

It’s the Springtime, The Black Community, and it’s getting warm enough that ninjas can get musky when they step outside. Thus, the pre-requisites for throwing a pool party are met. Unfortunately, they come during March, long after everyone has fallen off their New Year’s Resolution of working out for 1 week.

Pool Parties in The Black Community are like going to the club during the day. We all know Black People don’t swim, it’s never been hot in The Black Community. Water melts Black Girl’s hair. Light Skinned Ninjas are hiding in the shade to protect that social commodity. Pool party successes are measured not by how many people are in the pool, but how many people are sharing beach chairs. So everybody comes dressed to impress and stand around the pool. Girls spend 2 hours getting ready, putting on their brand new bikini, sandals, body wrap, designer sunglasses, sun hat, makeup and jewelry, ensuring they have all the materials needed to NOT get in the pool. Ninjas do a few pushups before walking in to make their muscles become visible. It makes them feel better about themselves. Gym Ninjas show up with their shirts off, tricking girls into sex the old-fashioned physical way, bypassing all that talking nonsense. Throw in a tub of unlabeled alcohol and an amateur DJ that needs to pay rent and The Black Community pool party is born.

No Pool Party would be complete without the mystery of uncookable food. Somehow in the midst of the hot ass sun, on a hot ass grill, chicken and burgers want to stay raw forever. It’s inevitable. Anyone mentions food and it automatically comes with a 2 hour wait. Amateur chefs who watch the Food Network sporadically do unspeakable things to the food, before proclaiming it as the best seasoned stuff ever. We’re surprised Pool Party season isn’t accompanied by a massive salmonella outbreak. The grillmaster opens up the grill every 10 minutes and pokes at the food to give the illusion he knows what he’s doing. Ninjas be lined up sweaty and cranky, mouths foaming at the prospect of free food. It looks just like the Financial Aid Office. Shones with no morals start showing breasts for chicken breasts. Big girls wanting turkey legs show off their similarly sized legs. God forbid any ninjas get a craving for a hot dog. Pause. Greek pool parties are even worse. All the members snatch food off the grill, while we contemplate pledging and getting beat up just to get first grabs at the chicken.

Pool Parties these days are becoming less about the Pool than ever. They should just rename them “Parties Near The Pool”. We have date auctions, ushering in all the memories of the slave trade. Raffles and giveaways making our women do something strange for some change. We’ve even gone so far as to HALT ALL ACTIVITES to have a Fashion Show. In the middle of the party. Ninjas stop all their creeping, and girls stop all their posturing to attract an unsuspecting guy, to watch scrawny ninjas in speedos stride along the poolside. Even the Gainesville Locals who somehow always find out about college events, stop their hood motivations and respectfully watch the show. That’s recognition right there.

Arguably the best part of Pool Parties is spotting people in attire they should not be wearing. Admittedly it’s childish, but damn if it’s not fun looking at big girls wearing little girls clothes. Belly hanging over completely hiding the bikini bottom. Females whose body wrap looks like they took the drapes off their windows and covered themselves with it. Stretch marks that makes girls look like they fought a tiger. Ninjas with that Chipotle frequent visitors card. Ninjas that could beat Rick Ross in a Rick Ross lookalike contest. Black People have a great sense of ego, so there will always be someone who will show up wearing something they shouldn’t, believing they are the hottest shit to hit Gainesville since big girls were acceptable in lingerie scenes. Until they come back to Earth, everyone profits.