Apocalypse

It’s 2012, The Black Community, meaning that the Florida Blue Key Illuminati is hastening their plans to destroy the world in December. They’ll destroy UF piece by piece before finally turning their eyes to The Black Community. But they don’t need much help. The Black Community is already heading towards Armageddon. Bernie “The Finance Furher” Machen and his SS Dean of Student’s office looms over the campus, ready to expel any Black Person that steps out of line. BSU gets less money every year, at least that's what UNITE tells us when they try to brainwash us into voting for them. Nevermind constantly having Black People in executive positions. Finally, The freshman class gets lamer by the decade, making UF the most boring place to live since The Polos. This could be the end of The Black Community as we know it.


Every year the class poised to graduate reflects on the decline of The Black Community. Everyone notices it, commenting on how each passing year the community gets less live. Except the freshmen of course, they don’t have anything to compare to. They must not know any better. The energy and vibrancy left UF way back in the aughts, around 2006 before any of us was even in school. Some of us have still been in school since then (*smile*), and thus serve as the history keepers, constantly reminding us of a more “LIVE-er” time. A time of constant partying, memorable shones and when “Ninjas was actually fine at UF!”. A campus full of political activism and Black achievement. A place where The Set is always full and BSU is sufficiently funded. They called it, “The Good Ol’ Days”. They should have called it, Narnia. A Fictional Utopia we can never create again. Preview and OAS warned new students to stray away from the cursed land between Marston and Turlington, leading to the death of our beloved “The Set”. Effectively sowing the seeds of destruction for The Black Community. The community started crumbling soon after. The Florida Blue Key Illuminati has been planning this for a long time. We have failed as The Black Community.

Or has everyone got old and jaded?

Graduating or “Perpetually About to Graduate” Seniors in that last year or three always transform into our Grandparents, constantly talking about “Back in my day…” They may have a point. Gone are the days where one could attend a shady apartment afterparty and see girls about to acquire their first STD. Gone are the legends of Probates with 50 people coming out (at least for some organizations). Gone is The Venue and all its associated murder, now replaced with The Florida Theater and creepy White Hippie Guys with beards.

But as students get older, their experiences change. People lose that freshman mindset that they have to attend EVERY EVENT as they accumulate more difficult schoolwork. With the exception of a few shone squads, shones stop smashing everything that moves, and become “reformed” by Senior Year, hoping to trick some dumb guy into “wife-ing” her, and by proxy, half the male campus population. It’s important to have someone to take care of you after graduation. People stop breaking their necks to join every student organization possible so they can look good for the Greeks, and focus on things they actually care about. Ninjas stop saying loose shit on Black People Twitter so their future employers can’t check them. Thus one’s peers in the same class stop becoming as exciting as they once used to be. As we get older, more new people come in, and we stop recognizing the people we know at Fashion Shows. The magic of personal contact disappears. Everyone then just looks like either an anorexic girl with bad weave, or another scrawny dude probably on the DL. It’s really bad when you start going to Probates and don’t know ANYBODY coming out anymore. That’s the sign it’s time to graduate.

The only real rational solution is to blame the freshmen. They keep bringing the plague of lameness to our campus. But it’s not their fault. Unfortunately for them, they have to experience a year without Ape Escape, Jouvert, and in light of recent events, probably Champagne Jam. Now they’ll never learn how to have sex in the woods. There will never be that experience of vomiting unlimited Champagne in the middle of a Ballroom. Those moments we grew up with are disappearing. The freshmen of course, are ignorant to all this. UF is the best place in the world. Everything is still new to them. They have no expectations. Every Basketball Player will take them to the NBA. Wearing an Orange & Blue lanyard around your neck is a fashion statement. They were the special ones that finally got a Greek Guy to settle down with one girl (lol). Going to STATUS EVERY FRIDAY is exciting! They haven’t yet gained that disdain and hatred for UF that only comes with 4-8 years of dealing with The Black Community.

The campus is undergoing some serious changes, and the fervor and excitement we once had in The Black Community is slowly dying. Are we not bringing in enough students from Duval? Lord knows we have too many already. Ninjas are getting murdered on the daily out here. It’s impossible to hear your own voice on the 3^rd floor of Marston. Financial Aid is running dry. It’s not because all the cool people graduated. Half those cool people are still here (*smile*). We now live in a politically correct community, where everyone is worried about what they do and what they say. We’re headed to becoming FAMU. Girls are going to start coming to class in 6-inch heels, Ninjas in full Coogi suits. PEOPLE ARE SCARED. The consensus is that The Black Community is socially awkward. It’s true. Females don’t even dance in the club anymore out of fear that it will affect their future involvement. Which it will. The sororities are always watching. They have eyes everywhere. It’s like girls are running for President. You can’t have made any mistakes in your college career. There can be no dirt on your name. No Herman Cain’s and secret closets of white mistresses will be tolerated. This is turn affects creepy ninjas who refuse paying $10 for STATUS to not trick girls into having sex. Club numbers dwindle, and nobody in The Black Community wins. Ninjas like LaTrace “Sensitive Ninja” Brown keep listening to Drake and J.Cole and now are all into their feelings. You can’t speak out against a political party or The Florida Blue Key Illuminati will sic their Black Keys on you to accuse you of destroying The Black Community. We need to start making bad decisions without caring again.

Furthermore, our Greek community is in shambles. We’ve already lost half our frats. The sororities better not resort to pulling weave or they'll be gone too. Ol’ Cody S., the child of the Apocalypse, single handedly ended an entire Fraternity Chapter, ushering in the witch hunt to destroy the NPHC, and destroying lives in the process. He found a way to haze the Greeks! The fragile balance between Greeks and Non-Greeks has shifted and now Non-Greeks are retaliating and slaughtering the Greeks we once thought Divine. The most reliable newspaper in the world, The Alligator, reports that this new case was opened after a connection was found with the old hazing allegations back in February. Meaning either ninjas are pledging multiple frats looking for one that takes the less injury to join, or are now open to telling all if they feel threatened. Snitching is that new hotness. Don't say T.I. never did anything for America. The Greeks are scared. Is someone infiltrating the Greek Community?  The Greek System will break down if Greeks can’t trust Ninjas to get beat up and keep quiet about it. There goes our Probates, and half The Black Community’s entertainment. The Greeks still want to assault people, and ninjas are gaining self-respect, so this will continue to be a problem. Black Greeks would do well to adopt a page from the IFC/PC Community and start investing in basements. That way they never get caught.

White People are all over this new allegation of hazing. The Jacksonville news broke the story of what everyone already knew was happening fresh out to the public. Kapital Punishment. Ninjas were getting canes broken over them like they were a part of a step show. Our local familiar spots are now all over the national news. They even sent cameras to that old house everyone used to party in. The white guy currently living there brought out posters left behind which were advertisements for some of our favorite events. See how many you can recognize. Of course they had to get a Black Person’s word on it, so they headed to Campus Lodge, Africa to get an unsuspecting Black Person to repeat back the questions they asked them. They wouldn't even let homeboy have an opinion. The Black Community, consider yourselves put on notice.

College was once the sanctuary where Black People were safe from the long reach of the law. That’s now out the window and Ninjas are getting charged with felonies. Felonies are a Black Person’s worse enemy. Ninjas aren’t allowed to finish college, leaving them with only a high-school degree. They won’t even have a chance at getting a decent job. Even McDonald’s has raised their standards.  They won’t even be able to vote for Obama anymore, furthering the Prison-Industrial Complex to keep Black People down. #Romney2012. It’s one thing to be a college-educated felon, but high-school educated felons come a dime a dozen. Just look at Worldstar.

The Black Community is under siege. You can’t even walk down the street holding a deadly bag of Skittles and a lethal can of Arizona Tea without getting popped in the skull. There is a serious ploy to cut down on the amount of Black People here at UF. UPD has already banned half The Black Community from campus. SAT requirements for Bright Futures have been raised, and Bernie “Fat Stacks” Machen has been steadily raising the tuition rates so he can buy another BMW. He’s even cut back on our partner school programs from Duval. Actually, we thank him for that. We are headed for Apocalypse, The Black Community, be warned.