Fashion Faux-Pas

Fashion Shows. They are hyped as the biggest and baddest spectacle in Black Entertainment. They are filled with high energy, fierce striding, and the most questionable clothes choices. On paper they are the most fun anyone could ever imagine.

Until you sit down.

The terrible reality is that fashion shows are inherently boring. That’s not to say the shows themselves are as terrible as this season of The Game, it’s that the format does not lend itself to exciting entertainment. The visuals and sets are always spectacular, but the awe given to the wondrous circus theme disappears after 5 minutes. Reality sets in when you realize ninjas are walking around with popcorn on their shirts. We’ll never understand art.

The main flaw with fashion shows is that only the models are having fun. Being up on stage in 5 pounds of makeup, twirling about in the latest fashions from the Oaks Mall, with all eyes focused on them. It’s probably the most exciting thing in the world second to being Greek. But for everybody in the audience, it’s two hours of sitting in the dark, with the latest techno music you’ve never heard of blasting into your ears. In 15-minute intervals, people walk by like they have cerebal palsy, rocking the latest fashions from the Oaks Mall. Nevermind the clusterfuck of trying to get a wristband while outside. The Black Community covets that plastic jewelry like it was crack cocaine. No Whitney Houston. Next time, ninjas will be posted outside the Reitz selling wristbands on the black market, 2 for $10. For far less hassle, we could take a trip to FAMU to see overdressed people walk around with no purpose in life. We the audience suffer through the intermissions, stomaching the poorly written jokes of hosts, who desperately try to stretch out the time between each scene. The intermissions themselves are usually longer than the following scenes! Usually the host is on 6 different types of alcohol, as should the audience, for maximum fun purposes, of course.

The actual Fashion Segments of the show are the most exciting, even if they are few and far between. The male models don clothes that no heterosexual male would ever be caught dead wearing. The self-esteem of the female audience members is continuously crushed, as the female models with their perfect bodies look like they just walked out of a rap video. Girls always fawn over the bodies of the Gay Male Models, who are looking right back at the guy sitting in the next seat. Meanwhile, all the straight men wait for the Lingerie Scene so they can leave afterwards. Of course, there is always the obligatory big girl in the Lingerie Scene, for diversity purposes, that inspires our larger community members to do things they shouldn’t dare.

Between all this, we resort to the ever reliable Black People Twitter for the real entertainment. Seeing which one of our peers can make the most inappropriate jokes about why that male model’s pants are too tight, or attempting to discover the exact measurement of a model’s neck, Black People Twitter is the truth.