The Relationship Problem

We come upon one of the most hotly debated topics ever to hit the campus, The Black Community. The only other rival to is the debate as to when The Set died. This is that miraculous topic that organizations reach for when they have no other ideas for programming. No other topic has created so much hate, hurt so many feelings, and created as many bitter women as the Relationship Issue.

Nobody does relationships in college, it’s just not practical. With all the schoolwork, parties at The Venue, extra-curricular activities, and all the ass-kissing required to join a Greek Organization, there just isn't any time to spend worrying about the feelings of another. Being in a relationship takes a lot of time and effort, which most of us are not trying to spend. Hell, we hardly spend enough time on school.  The College atmosphere is just not conducive to Relationships. There are drunken parties at The Venue, drunken parties in shady apartments, and drunken parties out in the woods. Somebody is bound to slip up somewhere. Every year there’s a new influx of Freshmen, Transfer Students and Grad Students still trying have that Undergraduate Experience. And with all the Shones and Creepy Guys that are willing to smash anything within a few seconds, even the loneliest of people can find someone if they sit on The Set long enough.  You've got to keep your possibilities open out here. It’s difficult to stay straight with all these options on campus. Pause. With these thoughts comes the whole concept of having "mains" and "side-chicks". And some girls are perfectly fine with the titles. Guys can go and smash other girls, as long as the "main" is the only one getting treated to a sit-down restaurant. Priorities, people. And some girls, AND GUYS, and fine being the buddy on the side. Why not, it comes with all the benefits of smashing, without any of the work. And so is the basis of the raging infidelity problems found on campus.  

The main reason why relationships don’t go anywhere in the college atmosphere is the sheer gossip that comes along when two people are “talking”. With the entire Black Community knowing more about your own relationship than you do, interested couples have to resort to being Secret Agents and keep their talking a mystery, and that’s never healthy. It’s embarrassing trying to take your “boo” to a nice date at Chipotle without being spotted. Reputations would be ruined. So relationships take part in secret, happening only after midnight, when nobody can see you walking to "the main’s" apartment from visitors parking. Everything is undercover: ninjas would rather commit suicide than been seen holding hands with any girl. Along with the gossip comes the history. It seems every person in The Black Community has a relationship file on everyone else. “She used to smash the football team”, “I heard he got homegirl pregnant, and she repayed him with AIDS”. There might as well be an encyclopedia on “Smashes in The Black Community, Years 2009-2013”. And Nobody wants to carry the baggage of another. There is nothing worse than parading your “Girl” through The Set with everyone else knowing the 4 other guys she’s smashing when she’s supposedly “studying”. Losing! And God Bless you if someone finds out the guy you’re talking to is Greek. Chuch!

The second factor to kill College Relationships is “Chilling”. With the way Redbox and The Dollar Menu have revolutionized shoning, it’s far easier to spend $3 for a guaranteed smash, than spend 3 months trying to care about a girl’s feelings and whatnot. Chilling is that magical word that’s tricked more dumb girls than “Just The Tip”. Pause. You can invite someone over to “chill” and watch a movie, and know for a fact that you’re only going to see half of the film. The word “Chilling” is so ambiguous that you can invite someone over and do some inappropriate touching and not even be labeled a creeper. It's less ambiguous than the world "Talking". Chilling is basically the politically correct way of saying: “Let’s get together, and whatever happens on the couch, stays on the couch”. If nothing happens, there’s no fear of being labeled a shone, because of course, you were just chilling. That’s the law of Chilling. You could “chill” with fifty different guys, and just consider yourself a friendly girl. With “Chilling” there are again all the benefits of having someone to experiment with, without all that pesky commitment and annoying emotions.

The relationships that do happen are bound to fail anyway. College girls have this odd way of thinking, where they believe once they get into a relationship, ol’ homeboy is going to take care of all her needs forever, without her contributing anything in return, of course. As long as she fulfills her womanly duties, so to speak, she’ll be fine. Until he finds somebody else that can do it better. This is what girls really tell themselves as they jump from each one of their 3 week relationships. So dumb girls will get dressed up in their best club wear, as if they were going to The Venue, and post up outside the HUB with the other dumb girls and put themselves on display to be chosen by a Football Player. It’s reminiscent of how they used to sell slaves back in the day. The joke in all of this is that these girls truly believe they’re about to go to the NFL. Until Draft Day. As soon as LaShawnTerrell gets his phone call from the Patriots, he’s giving her that phone call telling her she’s done. These guys are big time Football Players now, they don’t need some basic college girl! Those Basketball Wives and Reality TV Shones are Badd Bitches and will open it up as long as homeboy appears on SportsCenter at least once a week. These girls would be better off finding a nice English Major who might stick around for a bit. He may not drive you around in a Mercedes, but at least you’ll get some nice Poetry out of it. Who knows, he could be the next Hill Harper, making millions explaining why Ninjas Ain't Shit.We heard LaTrace “Sensitive Ninja” Brown is also accepting applications.

The other common choice made by College Women is the relationship with the Gainesville Locals. To locals, all college women look like Stacey Dash, no matter how many missing teeth or stretch marks a girl may have. Getting with a college girl is a major upgrade for locals; it’s like striking a gold mine. For some reason, the baddest of UF girls always seem to find the most hood locals to call their boo. It will forever be a mystery to College Aged Men as to why College Girls will forego all the educated college men to go shack up with LaDonterrius, after he gets off work from Wal-Mart. The main reason is the money. Gainesville Locals have that guaranteed paycheck, after all, they have to eat and pay Child Support. Financial Aid money only comes two times a year. Do the math. Locals have that money RIGHT NOW. College Girls don't have time to wait for some aspiring ninja to finish medical school and have a promising career. That shit takes time. Dating locals doesn’t work the same way with College Men, that's why you never see it. College Guys don’t want to go to the Eastside of Gainesville to pick up LaShaqunda and her 3 kids. Its suicide. Plus you’d have to deal with her terrible attitude. If only girls threw themselves at doctors the same way they threw themselves at local rappers.

What women don’t understand is this; They set the standard for what men will do for them. So if college girls are giving up the goodies for a bag of Skittles and a 2 Piece from Popeyes, best believe you’ll never be able to find any Fried Chicken in Gainesville the following week. So girls will go to the Relationship Forum: "Lets Chill Vol. 56" and complain that “Ninjas Ain’t Shit” and how they never get taken out to Red Lobster, the only true way to determine if a guy really cares. The problem is, girls set this standard throughout their college careers. Females come in Freshman year and attend every party, socializing and smashing everyone in sight because she’s trying to “meet people”, and to get back at evil Mom and Dad. Then Sophomore Year she’s chilling and starts an official Fraternity Fan Club between her legs. Then between catching something, getting exposed, or perpetuating the species, she tries to clean up her act and join requisite prestigious sorority. However, said sorority has been secretly spying on her in the club (they really do that..) and they pull up her “Smash File” that everyone seems to have, only to deny her. Then by Senior Year, finally realizing her mistakes, she’s trying to get chose as a wife and have a serious relationship, after all the shoning is finished, of course. She'll disappear from all parties and social events, which she was breaking her neck to get to the previous years, claiming she's on her "scholarship grind". But no guy is trying to wife up a girl whose privates look like Roast Beef; and alas, she’ll be the salty girl spitting hatred at the male race at the Relationship Forum. It’s a sad tale really.

The method to solve the Relationship Problem in The Black Community will be a mystery until the end of time. Maybe we should watch more Tyler Perry Movies. They always end in happy relationships, as long as the man is light-skinned. This could be the clue we need to get The Black Community to live happily ever after.