Post-Grad Opportunities

There’s a trend in The Black Community where after Graduation, everyone just likes to chill around Gainesville for a few years. We’ve said it before, Gainesville has a stronger gravitational pull than Jupiter. People can’t seem to leave Gainesville and UF; whether it be just completing school, or finding something to do with their life afterwards. They therefore have to resort to the classic post-graduation employment opportunities; the final chance before breaking down, filling out a paper application, and peeing in a cup when applying to Wal-Mart. Here are a few classic “Jobs” suitable for anyone in The Black Community.

Locally Famous DJ 

If the whole learning a skilled trade thing doesn't work out, there is always the opportunity to become a famous Gainesville DJ. It happens all the time. Guys randomly download a free mixing program, press a few buttons and add a cross-fade or two, and next thing you know, ninjas are out here thinking they’re DJ Khaled. It seems every week, there is a new DJ “Entertainment” Group popping up somewhere. The Get Money Boyz, Paperchaser Club, and the Swag Music Factory are constantly begging organizations to let them spin at the next party. Of course, the members of the group are ALWAYS the opposite of whatever their title is. The Get Money Boyz are only balling when Financial Aid Drops. Swag Music Factory shops at Citi Trends. These groups will all be posted at the let-out at The Venue, trying to trick somebody into letting them ruin a party with their terrible music selections. Sorry DJ LearnedThisLastWeek, but that Boosie “Independent” song died along with wearing Basketball Jerseys. It's also not going to empower any girls to sleep with you, Strong Black Women LIKE to be single. Of course, half of the Campus DJ’s are pure shit, and in reality, are just a couple of computer nerds sitting in the kitchen at house parties clicking "play" in iTunes. Usually this is to disguise the fact that no girls will talk to them. But props to their music collection though, those Slow Jam Mixes be hitting. They always know the best videos to pull up on Youtube. Don’t go up asking for any requests though, they might be unprepared and have to open up LimeWire to download the song. If they get famous enough, they might make it on the radio, or hired to DJ one night at The Venue, exposing their terrible mixing skills to all of Gainesville.

Gainesville Celebrity Rapper

In contrast to becoming a famous Gainesville DJ, there is always the option of becoming a local Gainesville Celebrity Rapper. Rapping and promoting one’s self is the ultimate fallback in The Black Community. All that learning and knowledge gained over four years doesn’t really matter, as long as you can spit a hot 16. Ninjas on campus are locked up their dorms right now, copying Lil’ Wayne lyrics hoping they blow up so they can drop out of college and start getting on these Shones. With this career, it’s possible to remain in Gainesville for the remainder of your life, and that’s what a majority of these Rappers do. They will be forever "Up-And-Coming". With the advent of technology, sharing their terrible music with the masses is effortless. Facebook Pages with the new hit song "Get Dis Money" are created with ease. Pointless blogs showing pictures of what they had for lunch, terrible poems and mindless rantings on how Men should treat Women can now all be found in one place. But the place where they really shine, and the only place they will shine, are at campus Talent Shows. They take up the space between the stepping Greek Organizations, also known as bathroom breaks. One good thing to say about campus rappers though, is that they always have a business plan. Rapping is not 24/7 career, so like Uncle Ruckus, these aspiring rappers have a new hustle every week. One week they have their own clothing line. The next, they're selling lotion from their website. If they aren't in someones face pushing their mixtapes they made in their basement, they are finding some way to open up for an actual professional rapper, or hosting a party downtown. They are always on their grind. If only they put all that work ethic into something useful, like selling drugs. Or studying. All this continues until they realize nobody is interested in their music except their homeboys, and they finally quit. Only to become a photographer for the next week.

On Campus Jobs

On-Campus jobs have the benefit that they are still around the Black Community, but because they are on campus they are somewhat dignified. We’re not talking about those Work Study Jobs either. We’re talking about the positions you have to battle Gainesville Locals to get. Basically anything in the Reitz, or sitting behind at some desk behind a computer screen getting your Facebook chat on. These jobs camouflage right in with the working students still in school, so nobody will be able to notice that said worker has been squatting in Gainesville for 7-8 years. Some jobs even come with an Orange & Blue Polo! It doesn’t get more official than that. So on-campus workers will fake the funk like they’re still in school and hang out with all the college kids. The real battle is disguising the fact that there were no other career choices after graduation. You can only work at Repdials for so long. On-Campus Jobs are the best of both worlds, it mixes the social atmosphere of The Black Community (LOL), and the leisure from all that bothersome studying. It's perfect for those who haven't let go of undergrad yet. Spot them in The Venue on Saturday nights with their full grown beard. These ninjas pop up randomly at social events and house parties, even though they eclipse everyone in the party by 10 years of age. You're still here? Damn.

Club Promoter

Entertainment seems to be the booming business venture here in Gainesville. The Black Community keeps downtown and all local liquor stores alive. We are valuable customers. Remember that next time the hipster at Chipotle spits in your Burrito Bowl. The Club Promoter route is one that many people unsuccessfully go towards hoping for salvation. Ninjas gain 600 friends on Facebook, and automatically they start believing they have pull in The Black Community. The problem is, being friends on Facebook doesn’t mean you’re friends in real life. Amateur Club Promoters have to be the most annoying people on the planet. They just pop up everywhere like Herpes. It’s impossible to walk through The Set or The Reitz Union Colonnade without getting flyers shoved down your throat. It’s worse than voting season. At Black events, you even have to check your seat before you sit down, to avoid being sodomized by flyers. Cars aren’t even safe. Park for a few hours, and return only to find flyers stuck in the wipers, ready to royally fuck up your windshield when it starts raining. The real mystery is why these amateur promoters are trying to take on the ELITE Monopoly that runs downtown. What these promoters don’t know is that Black People are going wherever ELITE goes. The locals too unfortunately. If not, ELITE is just going to let everyone in free to fuck up their plans. These Amateur Club Promoters do the ABSOLUTE BEST lying to convince people that their parties at a club nobody has ever heard of are going to be THE SHIT. Don’t fall for it. Take a visit and you'll see both of the people in there looking salty as hell.

Teach For America

Teach for America is that last opportunity for someone to make something out of themselves. And the students accepted into this program will battle to the death to defend the program like a power outlet in Marston. More on that tomorrow. As they should, this is a prestigious program. Kinda. TFA is the final cop-out for those with no other plans who still want to create a difference in their community and actually make some money. That’s not to say there aren’t people who really want to teach some bad ass kids how to add and subtract. It’s a commendable job really, education is important. Look at FAMU. The only problem with TFA is that they recruit like the military. Shady e-mails will appear in your inbox up to 20 times, trying to gauge one’s interest. These e-mails must be sent by the club promoter people. They are at career fairs, trying to wrangle helpless students into their web. They’re on the Colonnade, impeding the destination of hungry college students who just want to get to Panda Express. Those children in Atlanta must really need some help. If one continues to go along, there’s an interview, a background check to ensure you haven’t killed anyone, and loads of paperwork to fill out. There’s even an aptitude test to ensure you yourself can actually read, and are qualified to teach children to do the same. We can’t have Fantasias teaching Fantasias out here. Finally, once all that’s completed they deploy you out to the worst areas in the United States, to enlighten and empower urban youth. They frame it to look like a scene out of Dead Poet’s Society, when in reality it’s more like Freedom Writers. Educated and Sheltered college students, with their Macbooks and Frappuchinos, find themselves face to face with LaQuantavious and LaShaquanda. Who can be the most basic? That’s what it really boils down to as the children scream about how they have no father figure in their life, and how all this school shit don’t matter because I’m going to be a football player or rapper or Basketball Wife anyway. Anyone that’s down to care for these bad ass kids should be commended. The real secret to TFA though, similar to the military; is that they’ll pretty much accept anyone that has some command over the English Language. And with those eligibility requirements, nobody really needs to exert in effort in college.

Off-Campus Jobs

When all else fails, and one can’t even get into TFA because of that pesky reading test, off-campus jobs are the final hurrah. This is the lowest of the low. All hope is lost as one fills out that application to Publix and Wal-Mart. Remember when Mom said do well or end up working at Burger King? Well that sad day has come. What is even more dismal is when they turn down recent graduates because they are too qualified. At least with on-campus jobs there is still some sort of prestige, but there is nothing funny when serving Supersized #2’s to fellow Black Community Members as they drunkenly drive to The Venue. No Kreyshawn. With all the time and money UF students give to Bernie “Cash Flow” Machen, no graduate should be on the level of competing with Gainesville Locals. That’s just disrespectful.