Salute Your Shones

It’s been a crazy 3-day weekend, The Black Community. We hope everyone had a great time making terrible alcohol-fueled decisions and clogging their arteries with Publix Fried Chicken. Arguably the best Fried Chicken in the world. THE WORLD. No Kanye West. We’re right at the start of the Football season, and that means a side hustle by selling tickets, and getting five shades darker in The Swamp as a drunk Chad and Lacey scream in our ears. As we come into the Football season we take a moment to give recognition to some of the real heroines of the era, the Football Shones.

See, the Football Shones are the lifeblood of the Sports Community. Just like how dumb Freshmen girls hitting that Kamikaze and throwing themselves at Frat guys will keep random ninjas wanting to be Greek (trust us…), so do the Football Shones keep our Athletes inspired to keep winning. As some guy from the Caribbean would say “The Power is in the Poom Poom”. It’s been said before, there’s no need to pay these athletes, when there is a good amount of the community ready to pay them in flesh.

It’s clear that this is what keeps our athletic program strong. The players keep winning and the shones keep shoning. It's like the Circle of Life. The alumni should really be giving their money to the girls outside the HUB. Someone who works at Repdials get on that. If you think we’re joking, go take a gander outside the HUB after gameday weekends. The Football Shones would have had a homecoming parade, chock full of Chic-Fil-A and Frappuchinos, had it not been raining all day Tuesday, lest they lose their upstanding position in #TeamNatural. Not everybody has that good hair.

The “Football Shone Effect” may have been what contributed to the shaky season the last few years. The last star quarterback was a God-fearing man of Christ, who actually went to Chuch! regularly. He didn’t have time for that nonsense. Let the record show that The Great White hope was never seen outside HUB trying to put cream cheese on Einstein’s Bros bagels, so to speak. Pause. Without that “Juice” from the female community providing that power, the results of seasons past now stand as they are. Shones could be the new Gatorade. Pick a few LaShaqueeshas and TaManerickas and have them on the sidelines during the break. At least our new star quarterback is somewhat Black. (Is he?...He could be on that Sean Paul status and his ethnicity forever a mystery). Therefore he could be somewhat susceptible to sway from our special ladies. 

The praise that Shones deserve has not been properly given to them. They are the thankless workers face-down in the dorms ensuring that everything goes well on Saturday, and that we can all cheer and be drunk when victory comes. Keep them celibate when they lose ladies, that's the only way they'll learn. Props if conception occurs though. There is no greater inspiration than the pressure of playing great during college years to ensure that one makes it to the NFL in order to pay child support. Thank you ladies, your work is appreciated. We'll think about you everytime we pass Gatorwell.