Chuch!

Welcome back, The Black Community. It’s been two weeks into the semester, and everyone is settling back into the swing of things. Today we look at a topic near and dear to The Black Community, Chuch! It's the event we see flood social networking sites every Sunday, that one element that we all take and mold to our will, and unfortunately, the one object that is used so improperly, that the only response is a good strong SMH.

Every Sunday morning it comes, right on time like those BS horoscope tweets, the “praise tweets”. There’s a trend in The Black Community where we HAVE to show our faith. It’s not even for the sake of knowing that one is saved and is an avid believer. It’s to show off and get props that one is being religious. The thought process must go something like this: "It’s Sunday, might as well throw some religious related tweets into my timeline." It's the cool thing to do, everyone else is doing it. So every Sunday, they’re out there: “Just woke up with no eye boogers…PRAISE HIM!!!”. “Got into the shower, and there was a bar of soap left….HEAVEN IS LOOKING DOWN ON ME!!!”. “Hopped on the toilet and there were no rolls left…THE DEVIL IS AT WORK”. It doesn't matter how Worship gets into the updates, as long as they appear. This is the same reason why Lil Duval's #TwitterBaptist is so popular. Twitter losers, the easiest way to get some cheap retweets is to talk about how today's message in service inspired you to shun Taco Bell and their heathen ways.

Church (Chuch!) is that element nobody can debate with, that’s why it’s used so often. Throwing church in an argument is the ultimate conversation winner. Used against “haters”: “The haters, hate me, but GOD loves me!”. You can’t even argue with that. Debate over. "I ran over an old lady in my car this morning, but the Lord was telling me I just had to speed to service". That excuse might even hold up in court. It’s also the ultimate way to improve appearances. Any organization needing to have a surefire way to gain a few head nods from The Black Community, just throw in a Church Service on Sunday. It’s an easier cop-out than having a Relationship Forum. Any Greek Week featuring both is completely uninspired. It doesn’t even matter what event came before it. There could have a been a “PIMPS AND HOES POLYGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS AND CASUAL MURDER PARTY”, Saturday night (at STATUS no doubt), but throw that Church Service on the next morning, and everyone will hit that Kanye Shrug and put on their Sunday’s Best as they head to First Praise & Worship Center. It’s a modern day neuralizer. No Men In Black.

Anybody wishing to change their life around also has an easy method to getting their life back on track, or at least appearing to. Visit church once a month, throw some inspirational quotes from an accredited Reverend, i.e. Rev Run (LOL), and instantly the illusion of getting back on track is created. Watching this happen in real time is hilarious, as oblivious individuals quote scriptures and apply it to themselves in some haphazard way. They just throw open the Good Book and point to it as inspiration. And again, you can't even argue with it. "It say's right here in Sega Genesis that anyone that looks back will become a pillar of salt. That's why my haters are so salty". Cmon Son.The great thing about faith and scriptures is that one can interpret and praise the way they feel best to them, but some people are just ridiculous. One only needs to attend Chuch! 3 weeks in a row before they can officially say they've found the light. After that you can stop going, and just watch the Evangelicals at 3am on PBS. And send them $50 for their cassette tapes to boot. Anyone that claims shenanigans is jealous of one's relationship with God.