Khia on Kampus

(Source)

Somebody get they Auntie. Pictures recently hit the Internet of once relevant female rap artist Khia, draping our precious Orange & Blue over a bulldog covered in ugly tattoos. WHAT IN THE ENTIRE FUCK. Apparently, the pictures are a bid for Grandma "Thugmissess" to run for homecoming queen. No, really. Somebody from FAMU must have set us up. 

You might have heard of Khia before. She goes by many wonderful nicknames, such as "Motormouf" "Thug Missess" and "Gangstress". If none of those ring a bell, you probably remember her from what might the most ratchet song OF ALL TIME, "My Neck, My Back". Yeah. That song your parents wouldn't ever let you listen to as a child, even though you didn't know a thing about what those lyrics meant. Listen to the song now, and you probably wouldn't let your kids listen to it either, for those of us that have kids :). The song blew up, was a nationwide hit for a year, then Khia dropped the song "K-Wang Wit It" (Me neither..) and was never heard from again. What a shame. These pictures are apparently part of an attempt to revive her career. She just released a song called "Dickamatize" to hype the masses, but it isn't very good. The "My Neck, My Back" song was remixed a few times, once into the much better "Robbery" which they still play occasionally in The Venue, ELEMENT, whatever they are calling it that week. Khia's career died, but her songs will live in infamy.

There is a dark, dark side of Black People Twitter that nobody ever checks for, filled with failed rappers and disgusting instagram models vying for attention. Khia can arguably fill both roles. Therefore,  when the pictures were posted from her Twitter, they layed in relative obscurity for a hot minute. Then something called a Funky Dineva caught wind of it, and posted the pictures on it's blog, which apparently is well read by a large number of Black Women. Da Fuck? That's what y'all girls look at when Love & Hip Hop isn't on constant repeat? Anyways, the pictures went viral, and pictures of Momma Motormouf in various states of undress hit the Internets with the Gator Logo out in full view.

The pictures aren't really that bad, if you're into that sort of thing. It's just somebody's misguided auntie posing half-naked in Gator Gear looking like she just got kicked out of a Toga party. She is literally just wearing a Gator Towel, rocking earrings that we made with two different colored wax strings during Arts & Crafts time at Summer Camp, and some Orange & Blue High Heels that might actually look cute on a woman with some values. You can see a Pac-Man tattoo eating cherries on her thigh, which might be sexual, and some balloons on her lower thigh that float up into her ass. Kinky. Disgusting or Ghetto Fabolous? You make the call.

It wouldn't have really been a big deal had Khia posed half-naked anyway, she never seems to have any clothes on, it's just that you don't associate The Gator Nation, nor the Orange & Blue, with that kind of thing. Substitute the Blue for Green, and everything starts to make sense. If Khia had been smart, she could have catered to her biggest audience and draped a Sante Fe College towel over her body. Do they even have a mascot?

The biggest question though, is if Khia is really a student at the University of Florida. If she is really going back to school, then we applaud her. We can't really hate on anybody's hustle like that. She must be trying to get her finances up. That "My Neck, My Back" money can only last so long, no matter how many times 411-Pain remixes it. What could she be studying? Maybe she became an English Major so that she could become a better rapper? LOL. Khia probably got in through one of those partner school programs from Duval. Didn't we tell you those things were evil? It's really a mystery how this got past Bernie "Don't Drop That Refund Check" Machen. He won't even let Black Greeks beat up people without banishing them from the campus, so how did he let this one in?

White People aren't going to have this come Homecoming time. You really think Hunter and Chrissy are going to vote for Thugmisses for Homecoming Queen? Nah, never that. Imagine the look of disgust come Gator Growl when Grandpa Bob and Grandma Nancy are expecting  to hear the sounds of some old racist band from the 1960s, and Miss My Neck, My Back steps on stage in the middle of The Swamp in nothing but a Gator Towel? They have given too much in Alumni Money, solicited from some sad, poor young Black Student working at Repdials for this to be going on at the Flagship University of Florida. The Florida Blue Key Illuminati will secretly strike her name from the ballot the same way they keep secretly striking funds from BSU. If "The Black Keys" really cared about The Black Community, they would put their foot down and fight for Grandma Gangstress to win the crown.

If Khia is really on our campus, God help us. She will probably be hosting parties with ELITE sooner or later, or hunting down Albert The Alligator to get him to  "Look Back At It". Alberta will not be happy.