Spring Forward

Here we are in the Spring Semester, The Black Community. We come back to campus after getting our Precious with Christmas Food, sitting on Mom’s Couch watching TV for hours, and indulging in copious amounts of alcohol during New Years. We have a full 5 months ahead of us until we get through the certified boring semester, and get to the semester that really matters, Summer.

The Spring Semester is a semester of refreshment. All the old students who should have left UF a long time ago have finally graduated in the Fall (hopefully…). The Freshmen have completed their “exploratory” semester; being brainwashed by predator senior guys, discovering what “chilling” actually means, discovering their vomit threshold with alcohol, attending shady afterparties in random apartment complexes, and being at every STATUS party on Fridays. That semester is where legends are made. If the Freshmen girls can make it through that semester without being inaugurated into the “Shone of Fame”, they might have enough clout to join a sorority one day. Remember, they are always watching. Everybody is scrambling to get their grades back in order after seeing their GPA from the fall. Watching Jersey Shore while studying is really not a good idea. A good amount of The Black Community will be in Marston trying to work on their scholarship as part of a New Year’s Resolution, for a week. It won’t be a safe area with that amount of The Black Community in the library. Somebody bring an extension cord, please.

The first week of Spring is the most exciting. Clubs are ready to take the Christmas Money given to us by Grandma, which she thought we were going to spend on something productive. As if. Clubs are ready to take that Financial Aid Money too, if you still get refunds that is. Bernie “Rich Forever” Machen has been working hard at making sure those disbursements end with the quickness. Students are discovering the depth of their basicness when dealing with Academic Advisors. The Financial Aid office is a zoo. The girls at the Shone Tables at The HUB are trying to trap Basketball Players, the new hot commodity of the season. All the college students are back in town, giving the Gainesville Locals more targets to prey on. The Greeks will provide everyone with copious amounts of cake every week, as they celebrate their founding dates, most of which are in January. Panda Express will see a downturn in profits. Then, The Black Community will disappear completely until February, where we will rise once again like Jesus. Chuch!

The most exciting thing that happens during the Spring Semester is the end of cuffing season. As temperatures start to rise, girls lose that lonely feeling they had in the winter, and guys can no longer trick girls into becoming a “cuddle buddy” anymore. Thus, those romantic three month relationships we've seen on Twitter are about to come to an end. As if they were going to last much longer. There are about to be a lot of salty retweets from The Notebook Twitter Account.  There won’t be anymore sappy Tweets about “him”. Facebook Statuses will return to Single. Men will start disappearing from Girls' profile pictures. Redbox will see a downturn in profits. Salty Blogs will be created by the hundreds. Black Women are about to be in a rage. And the best way to profit from the incoming rage of Black Women? Why a new season of The Game of course! BET really has an excellent marketing strategy. Females will now be able to positively direct their anger at trifling Male Actors whom they actually fantasize about. It's no coincidence BET scheduled the new season at the end of cuffing season. The show basically thrives off the hatred of Black Males. That and poorly written drama. Don't play that sensitive card anymore men, ladies are now on the lookout for men who cheat. As long as she can be the main. But ladies shouldn't fret about the end of cuffing season, Men will be back looking for week-long relationships when Drake arrives on Valentine's Day.