A Political Tragedy in 2 Parts

It’s voting season, The Black Community, and that means you’re about to be annoyed more than ever before. The only rival to be more annoying than campus politicians are those damn Humans vs. Zombie nerds. And even then, you get to see the dorks get randomly tackled in broad daylight. But with this voting season, you can't win. It’s now impossible to even walk to class without 4 campus politicians invading your personal space.

The political system is a tragedy in 2 parts. The first is the Student Government System. The Second is Florida Blue Key (More on that tomorrow...) The independents that run the Alligator are too oblivious to write about this (they’re too busy attending art shows and eating salads), but the whole system is rigged. And right here is where the SG Illuminati begins to track us down with extreme prejudice, more so than you people trying to identify us during live tweeting at social events. If we stop posting after this, the terrorists SG Illuminati have won. It’s been real though.

The problem with the political system on campus is that there are only two major parties. One party is run by the partiers (The Greeks and associated socialites), the other, by people who have never been invited to a party in their life. If it’s one thing Greeks do well, its follow rules (except underage drinking…). So therefore, forcing whole organizations to go out and vote for a specific candidate or party is simple. Run up in one of those PC House-Mansions, and you’ll see bulletin boards where each member is required to attached their “I Voted” sticker. Then you tell Emily that she can’t go to the next social with the Frat house full of Chad’s, girls start choosing. This is why we can’t have nice things. Such as online voting. Methods such as this are a few inches away from voter coercion. If the Emily’s and Chad’s had their online voting, believe that the house presidents would be over each member’s shoulder making sure they voted for Hunter and Bree.

The reason why the independent parties have no chance is because their constituents are independents. The crowd they try to reach is too busy eating Krishna lunch, and knitting handwoven fabrics on the Plaza of The Americas. Students already think Campus Politicians are annoying, so of course they are going to keep away from the Campus Politicians like they had herpes or something. And right there is where the independents always fail. It may seem different in The Black Community, but actually only 10% of the student body is Greek, so the independents would have a fighting chance if they weren't so dependent on independents. A majority of the student body doesn't care about the student government elections anyway, they just want to get to their Anthropology class without being bothered, so they can go home and watch Jersey Shore afterwards.

So where does The Black Community fall in all of this?

Well, the parties are going to need some Black People in the campaign in order to say they are diverse. It looks good in the newspapers. So they’ll tap some Black figureheads in order to rally The Black Community. In reality, this means reaching out to a few random Black Folks and the Black Greeks, luring them with the illusion that they are actually contributing to the campaign. And you know how much Black organizations love to say they’re involved and raising awareness! And then all the I.Gs join up, to show face to their respective organizations, in the efforts that they may be able to one day stroll in the club. And step on The Set on Fridays. And then you have a large chunk of The Black Community brainwashed into thinking they’re making a difference, while the SG Illuminati sits behind a desk with an evil grin, rubbing their hands together like Kappas. (No Shots!) Therein, the biggest farce in The Black Community history is born.

Now the plan is in motion. The Black Illuminati (The Black Keys…more on them tomorrow) start the operation of the political machine, thinking they’re helping out The Black Community. Then randomly, one starts receiving mass text messages from people you didn’t even know had your number! Telling you how to vote and which party to vote for, hoping that they will brainwash at least one mindless individual into voting uniformed. And then Black People start to matter all of a sudden. Before the voting started, each Black Person was invisible to the SG Illuminati, but once voting season starts up, each person becomes “useful”. One starts getting attention like never before as Campus Politicians hound people down to speak to them about their platform. It’s a great self-esteem booster for you people with self image issues.

It’s great to get The Black Community mobilized to vote, but the sad thing is, the SG Illuminati doesn’t give two shits about The Black Community. Pardon our French. They just want control of that Bernie Machen Money, also known as the Student Government Budget. And The Black Community is going to help them obtain it. One could make it rain for weeks with a budget as large as the student government. Flash Floods. No Drake. Obviously SG could care less about The Black Community. Otherwise they would throw money at BSU, whose budget keeps shrinking yearly. Let's not even get started on the debacle that is the Double Homecomings. Black Folks can't even get an entertainment act that we recognize for Gator Growl. What in the hell is a Goo Goo Doll? So then we get Soulfest and some assorted BSU events and call it “Black Homecoming”. An even more dreadful fact is that Black UF students are more hyped about FAMU homecoming than UF's own homecoming. Black Greeks and Organizations know better than to throw an event on FAMU Homecoming, because they know the entire Black Community will be ducking over to Tally to take place in the largest display of Black Debauchery since Jouvert was postponed.

There’s nothing wrong with supporting either of the parties, the problem is, the Illuminati that runs SG already knows what they want, they just need a few votes to actually put it into action. Democracy is a beautiful thing. The candidates on the ticket are already chosen months in advance. Attempt to join up in a real decision making position within the party, and if you’re not one of the Good Ol’ Boys (Or Gals…no discrimination), they’ll send you home faster than a badass 3rd grader. Free Boosie. Just like it is in real politics, it’s not what you can bring, but who you know.