In what could be the greatest news to ever hit The Black Community, Bernie “Racked Up Shawty” Machen has announced that he will retire in 2013. Darth Vader himself is chucking the deuces on UF and all that leadership nonsense to swim through the pools of money he’s guaranteed in pension. No Scrooge McDuck. This is some next level shit. It's such an important event we had to interrupt our vacation of sitting on the couch to come back and write a post on it.
For The Black Community, this might be the best thing to happen since Obama got elected. Bernie “Cashing Out” Machen has been The Phantom Menace for The Black Community, prohibiting our fun in favor of learning, education and other nonsense. His idea for the success of The University has always been in conflict with the ideals of The Black Community. Lord Jafar fought hard to ensure that White People had an equal chance to get into UF as Black People; that is to say, removing Minority Outreach Programs. R.I.P. PAACT. Eliminating dependency on Other People’s Money by reducing available financial aid, and making Criser more terrifying than the DMV. The Black Greek System? That’s the shit he don’t like. He even endorsed John McCain back in the day. That’s just disrespectful.
But The Black Community doesn’t have complete disdain for Bernie. Many are disappointed that we won’t be able to shake his cold, lifeless hands as we walk across stage for Graduation. The Greeks are equally disappointed they won’t be receiving Magneto’s evil glare as they show out on stage.
So why is Bernie leaving? Lord Voldemort knows the UF ship is sinking and decided to get out before we could come up with anymore nicknames for him. His BFF Rick Scott keeps taking all the money from the nerds in the computer science department and giving it to the football team in hopes that Brantley will magically get better. It’s not working. UF’s school rankings keep dropping as FSU and (gasp!) FAMU’s gets higher. UF itself is running out of money, and that means less money for Bernie to do rich people things in his BMW. You can only raise tuition so much on the rich white kids who actually pay out of pocket, and both of the people without Bright Futures until they are right there in the financial aid office with The Black Community.
Bernie’s contract expires in 2013, but instead of extending indefinitely with his immortality granted by the illuminati, Machen decided he couldn’t run UF into the ground any more than it already is, and decided to get out now. The mass exodus from UF has been steady. Cam Newton knew what was up way back in the day. The Second Great White Hope, Urban Meyer, dashed to Ohio once he realized Brantley was a starter, and now like George Bush apparently told Kanye West, Bernie is saying “…Fuck y’all niggas I’m outta here!” It’s an end of an era The Black Community; we can only hope the next UF president actually possesses a soul.
The state of Florida is running UF in to the ground by cutting funds every year, not Bernie. He was actually a really good president. He even donated a portion of his own paycheck so that FOS could accept more students (an organization that a significant portion of the Black Community benefits from).
ReplyDeleteFunding for the UAA is completely seperate than funding for UF academic, facilities, etc. In fact, the UAA GIVES money to UF every year. Read up on it.
ReplyDeleteMost everything else though, agreed.
I love President Machen. If you actually know what he looks like, you can see him everywhere. I always run into him in the Little Hall area and we talk. Maybe The Black Community hasn't made enough of an effort to stop cornering themselves.
ReplyDeleteMoney to the football team though, is separate. But I agree that it is overly-funded.