The STATUS Problem

It’s Friday night, The Black Community. The goons are lurking, college students are looking to make bad decisions, and the Gainesville Police Department is looking to fill their arrest quota. No other place in Gainesville could satisfy all three of these requirements than our own legendary STATUS nightclub. Once you get past that Greek Skip Line, it’s 300 square feet of cramped Black People, Lacefronts, and Death.

STATUS is the #1 threat to The Black Male Population, claiming more of our black men than gangs, Call of Duty, White Women, and the “Down-Low” System combined. It is the most dangerous place in Gainesville for The Black Community, equivalent to Frat Row for White Girls. STATUS is the place where legends are made, and ignorance is bred. Just by walking into the nightclub one has a 50% chance of being a victim of violence. STATUS has brought murder, violence, and headshots directly to the doorstep of Downtown Gainesville. No wonder the Gainesville Locals flock there like it was a Lil Boosie concert. Shoutout to Death Row.

The Gainesville Locals are attracted to STATUS like Herman Cain to questionable mistresses. No matter what type of party being thrown at the club, Gainesville Locals will walk into that place with dreams of bloodshed. There could be a Polka Dot and Rainbows Party, and the goons would still stroll up in all black everything, harassing college girls to add them on AOL Instant Messenger. Get with the times, goons. There must be something in the air at STATUS that transforms patrons from model citizens, to outright lunatics. Ninjas walk into the nightclub just planning to walk out with at least three felonies. Anyone aspiring to be a content provider to World Star Hip Hop should just post outside of STATUS until the let-out.

It is apparent that there is an epidemic when every media article that starts off with “The suspects started the night at STATUS…” ends with murder. It’s like there can’t be a complete crime story without our favorite nightclub making an appearance. Management should just hang warning signs outside the club cautioning patrons that by entering, they are gambling their life. Females better stop worrying about looking cute in that outfit and just come to the club in a bulletproof vest. Ninjas are going to walk up in line wearing helmets and combat boots. It's that serious. STATUS is an excellent place to start a cage-fighting career, or experiencing the glory of the Gainesville legal system. Even GPD knows the dangers of that place, that's why they have their attack horses ready and waiting to corral ninjas away from the club. It looks just like a scene from Roots.