Battlefield: Gainesville

It’s not safe out here any more, The Black Community. Gainesville has turned into a warzone, and people are getting blasted left and right. Tensions and straight coonery have invaded the Gainesville streets. Maybe it's Football Team's win record. Maybe it’s the cold weather. People in Gainesville are now about that felony life. Forget wearing jackets and beanies, start wearing helmets and bulletproof vests.

Within three days last week we've had three different acts of violence; hate crimes in the library, shootings at Cabana Beach, and murders in a parking garage. What has Gainesville come to? We initially applauded the hoodrats taking part in “Marston Madness” because we believed it marked a shift in The Black Community fighting for their education. Now things have just gotten out of control. It’s not safe to do anything anymore. You can’t study in the library, can’t sleep in your own home, and you can’t even go get ratchet in the club. How are we supposed to live? Ninjas need to stop listening to so much Plies.

On Thursday, there was a murder at Cabana Beach Apartments. Two men were seen arguing early in the morning, and one of them ended up catching bullets with his body. We’ve long said before that the 20^th street bus route is completely hood until you reach Cabana Beach, the safe haven, but now we have to include Cabana Beach into the “Hood Apartments” list. Cabana Beach was once nice and peaceful; no news ever came out of there other than some ratchet house party, or random shones getting naked at pool parties. But now Cabana Beach may be turning into the new Lexington. Ninjas are staying awake, doing "hoodrat thangs" at all hours of the morning. Latarian Milton would be proud. The Black People with generous amounts of financial aid that live in The Woodlands probably heard the gunshots and thought the new influx of black folks had brought basicness to their doorstep. White people are probably going crazy over there. Heather wont't be walking her dog alone during “shoning hours” anymore, as she shouldn’t, it’s just not safe. This is going to take a huge effect on after hours creeping in that area. Nobody wants to come over to see their boo, and get shot while walking from visitor’s parking.

Then on Saturday, all the upliftment and good exposure The Black Community received from Soulfest was shattered when ninjas decided to have a gunfight after the club. In a parking garage no less. We heard that annoying 5-Star Pizza guy got hit with a stray bullet and was leaking tomato sauce everywhere! The guy who died was shot in the head. Reportedly, he had already lost an eye from being shot in the head before. Dude was a veteran. Those homeboys were probably in the club when one of them stepped on another’s Nikes or something. It then escalated when JonDemterius called Jerome a “Bitch Ninja”. You know how ninjas love to jump from a simple misunderstanding to full-scale war. When keeping it real goes wrong. Of course it would happen on “Superhood Saturdays”, the Gainesville local’s valued day of debauchery. Ninjas need to get their priorities straight. The Let Out is where ninjas should be tricking some dumb college girl into believing he’s going to take care of her forever, when in reality, he won’t remember her name after the smash session. Ninjas just couldn’t go to Waffle House and squash their problems over an All-Star Breakfast? That’s how we college students do. They must be putting something in the local Gainesville drinking water, or tampering with the Church’s Chicken. It’s the only way to rationalize the surge in violence in the Gainesville community recently.

We don’t know what is driving the Community to resort to violence at such an alarming level, but all bets are that the cold weather is shifting the focus of ninjas in Gainesville. The cold is forcing shones to cover up all their “assests”, whereas in the summer they were walking around half naked, jiggling everywhere. Now ninjas can’t spend all their day fantasizing over LaMaNiqua and her new lacefront, and now have a bunch of free time to do dumb shit. It’s exactly what’s going to happen to your favorite basketball players if this NBA Lockout continues. Gainesville is no longer the safe haven they paint in commercials. Girls aren’t jumping around in sprinklers, and random people aren’t smiling at each other and saying “Go Gators”. Ninjas are now just saying “Fuck That!” and blasting. This is alarming for the majority of us, as we aren’t used to such brutality, but at least the students from Duval now feel right at home. Hopefully the violence in Gainesville simmers down, or the whole community will forever be on-edge. Don’t let there be a shooting in Chipotle; the entire Gator Nation as we know it would be destroyed.