Well damn. Can’t say you didn’t see this one coming, The Black Community. The all-important “Relationship Forum”. It’s a staple in The Black Community, combining all the joys of Maury, Jerry Springer, and those “Shone Shows” on VH1 and BET. Shouts to Single Ladies! The Relationship Forum is that one event that is always guaranteed to hit, no matter what. Just when you think The Black Community is on that “progression” vibe, and we are ascending to a level of cultural perfection, this forum slaps you across the face with reality.
It’s ironic that this event was held directly following a Poetry Jam, the epitome of self-serving “Black Righteousness”. On Poetry Night its all about themed poems valuing our Black Queens and all their African Beauty. It’s about Guys dressed in Sandals and Capris telling other guys what it takes to be a real man (LOL). It’s about “Strong Independent Women” berating Black Men, and declaring they will NOT be a side chick, or come over after Midnight. It’s about ninjas in dreadlocks touting the failures of George Bush, Republicans and all other assorted White People. It’s about denouncing the evils of bacon and swine, while at the same time uplifting coffee picked by 6 year olds in South America. Can a brotha get a finger pop?
And then there’s the switch.
The next day, the same ninjas are in The Relationship Forum talking about, “My Black Queen…DON’T KNOW NANN NINGGA!” The Dreadlocked ninjas hating on Republicans before are explaining their turbulent relationship with Rebecca’s and Caitlyn’s. Those “Independent Black Women” will talk about the 20 different guys she invited over, never to be heard from again after they smashed her the first night. This is where that same girl will realize that 20 is actually NOT a small number. It is a very BIG number. This is where shit gets real. We don’t know what it is about being in a room full of fellow Black Peers and talking about sex and “relationships”, but we The Black Community love to do it, and we love to tell everybody.
The Forums themselves are always the same. You could make a drinking game out of how many times a shone says “respect” and a random ninja says “we ain’t together”. You don’t even need a script or itinerary to run one of these. That’s why organizations churn out these Relationship Forums every month just like Gucci Mane churns out trash mixtapes. Coasters! Just do a post on Facebook advertising a “Real-Talk Session About Sex and Relationships” and salty females, self-proclaimed “playas” and desperate Shones will come out of the woodwork. It’s easier than getting Black People to The Set on Fridays. Damn.
Try it next time, The Black Community. There are a few things that you are guaranteed to see. First there will be LaJonQuavious “SmashEmAll” Jefferson. He’ll be in there touting all his conquests, and how “bitches is crazy”. He’ll tell all his business about how females smash on the first night, how to take them home from The Venue, how they tied him to the bed, how she was hanging off the ceiling fan and how he ducked them the day afterward. And then you’ll have to sit there and decipher if the stories are true. Ninjas could give Mother Goose and Dr. Seuss a run for their money. It’s possible to look in the crowd and see the corresponding girls the stories are about. Just look for the ones blushing as he delivers his Tall Tale. The Girls in the audience will cringe, and talk about how they would never associate with him, and then you’ll see them THAT WEEKEND bustin’ it wide open with him at the club. Look for her at the next forum as she returns as the “Battered Good Girl”.
Additionally, look out for Laila-Independent “I-Don’t-Need-No-Man-Trust-Me-I’ve-Been-With-Hundreds” Jones. We covered them briefly before. These are those girls that are all “involved” and whatnot. They wrote their statements the night before hoping that the Sorority they’ve been interested in will be present so they can hear what she has to say. Her slant in the argument is how she’s never needed a man, and found her direction with Non-Profit Organizations, and going to Church. Until you realize, “Didn’t my Homeboy smash you Freshman year?” and “Didn’t LaJonQuavious “SmashEmAll” Jefferson talk about smashing you last week?” C’mon Son. And then you’ll tune out, as you realize everything she says is bullshit.
Our Favorite is LaTrace “Sensitive Ninja” Brown. That “Sensitive Ninja” is that brave soul who will step through all the slandering and put-downs and declare his love for women. You would have seen him at the Poetry night the following day playing some sort of instrument, which he learned how to play on YouTube. He’ll talk about his love for women, and how they are so beautiful, and all the respect he wants to give them. All the things that girls want to hear. But here’s his fatal flaw: Girls don’t like that nice shit. Then he will proceed to return to his apartment and sleep alone.
Finally, is the classic Well-Known Shone talking about “respect” and how much she deserves it (LOL). She’ll talk about how men are all terrible, how they don’t care about anything, and how she deserves to be treated like a princess and a Queen. She’ll make demands about how a man is supposed to treat her right, how she deserves the best. Shit, It’s her God given right to be taken out to Redbox and McDonalds. The only thing she won’t talk about is what SHE’S providing. Hell, she’s a BAAD BITCH, why should she? And then that same night, you’ll see her doing that walk of shame back to Campus Lodge Visitor’s Parking. LONGEST. WALK. EVAR.
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