Moving Days

It’s move-out week, The Black Community. That time of the semester where you clear out your apartment that you’ve been living in for 4 (Maybe 5 or 6) years, and put all your cherished memories into cardboard boxes. Damn. It’s time to kick out that creepy person who subleased your room and did all sort of unspeakable stuff in your apartment while you were away. All of The Black Community is packing their bags, ready to move in to Campus Lodge next semester (LOL). If you haven’t yet picked your living situation for the fall (you’re slacking), we’ve complied a list of potential options and what to expect from each one.


On Campus – Campus is full of Freshmen and paranoid upperclassmen that just can’t let go. Living on campus is a good option for those Freshmen wanting to get that college exposure, and experience everything that they’ve seen in ridiculous TV shows and Movies. Spoiler Alert though: It’s nothing like College Hill. On campus life is good the first year, when you actually attend class, but after that, it goes downhill. It’s just awkward. Prepare for roommates that are professional stalkers, and will claim you as “Biffles” after one week of introduction. Or the roommates with no social lives that never leave the room, giving you no private time. Public showers, public restrooms, public laundry rooms and public dining facilities all inspire an atmosphere reminiscent of prison, and expose the fact that not all individuals have proper home training. On Campus living is terrible for your sex life too. There’s always that possibility you could walk in on your obese roommate doing terrible things. Freshmen messing with Upperclassmen living off campus will feel some sort of way when their smash buddy won’t come and pick them up from campus. Don’t be offended if they tell you to take the Later Gator or SNAP. Ruthless. Live on Campus for one year to meet your fellow Black Community Members, ride the SNAP van on Friday Nights (Pure Entertainment) and get that Freshmen Exposure (It’s actually not that bad…) and then get the hell out of there.

Lexington Crossing – You probably don’t want to move here, unless you’re into that “Boyz N The Hood” type of lifestyle. What once was a glorious college community has now been invaded and claimed in the name of the Gainesville Locals. They should just rename Lexington to “Section 8”. This apartment complex has become the hood. If you’re lucky you can catch the residents carpooling to The Venue on Fridays. Drive-bys, petty theft, and ninjas trying to holler are just a daily way of life out here. The goons be lurking. Don’t take any jogs after 10pm, it’s not safe. You’d walk into Lexington, and think you were on the Eastside of Gainesville or something. You can’t even try to distance yourself from by trying to live in Phase Two, the goons are there as well. If you’re prone to having house parties or growing weed in your room, this area might be a viable option. Be prepared though, the cops usually show and blockade the entrance to the complex at least once a week, just to flex some muscles.

The Enclave – This is where all the White People will be staying in the Fall, but they don’t want you to know about, lest it become like Lexington, or even worse, Campus Lodge *Shudders…*. This place is fancy, with high rise buildings, high rent, and a highbrow attitude. You can’t have any Black People fun in this complex. They should just add a picket fence and a Country Club to complete the total package. The only time you’ll probably see some The Black Community activities here are at Weekend Pool Parties. If you’re not about that Black Community life, this is the place for you.

Off Campus House – Real fancy people actually go out and purchase a house in the Gainesville Community. This is a great choice of living, as rarely will you have to worry about overages, loud neighbors, or paying the rent on time (LOL). It’s a great combination, and you’ll get some cool points when trying to trick dumb girls at The Venue to come home with you. The best use of this type of amenity is of course: shady afterparties after the club. What better way to trick a female into having sex with you than a personal invite to a private residence in an unknown part of town? Dumb girls will flock there expecting more liquor and more music. Depending on the floor plan of the house, it's usually just a carousel of girls rotating through each room, which a new girl coming out every 15 minutes, with their hair messed up and their morals to be questioned.

20th Street Apartments – Apartment complexes on 20th Street give a good mix of affordable housing and decent living amenities. Being close to the mall also creates a good excuse for not going to class. Everything is safe in this area except for the street that Sweetbay is on. This might be the most hood street on the Campus Side of Gainesville minus 35th Street where Gainesville Place and The Enclave are located. Up until Wing Stop and Canopy are a bunch of shady condos where all the people on the Gainesville Mugshots website are picked up from. We’re looking at you Mill Run and Shady Acres! We wouldn’t recommend jogging down this street at night. You can see domestic violence and couples arguing right in the middle of the street starting at 1am. The traffic in this area is terrible as well. Whatever Gainesville politician thought it was a good idea to shorten the road into one lane in one of the busiest areas deserves to be impeached. We need to get the Gainesville Locals to actually vote to keep this from happening again. If you choose to live in this area, don’t expect to actually be able to make to any early classes. You’ll have to wait for at least 2 buses to pass before a bus with space actually appears. The 20 & 21 buses are always chock full of people. And it’s always those people who refuse to shower. Bummer.

Campus Lodge – Campus Lodge is the official home of The Black Community. Everyone lives there. It’s basically The Set off campus. The draw of this apartment complex is most definitely the Dollar Menu rent prices. No other apartment complex in Gainesville can offer these rates. Campus Lodge must be owned by the Illuminati or something. It makes sense, seeing as how Campus Lodge is locked down like a military base. Campus Lodge is a nightmare for visitors. Only a computer nerd could get through the front Gate on the first try. Using that system takes the knowledge of a Computer Engineering class. The back gate is even worse. It’s like the management knows when convenient visitation hours are and locks the back gate during these times on purpose. It’s either that or some drunk asshole was convinced that his Honda Civic could ram through the metal bars, leading to the destruction of both his idiot dreams and the back entrance. Once inside though, you have your choice of 20 visitor’s parking spots. Don’t dare try to park anywhere else though, the Towing Companies are like Secret Agents.They’re hiding in the bushes waiting, and will tow your car as soon as you take one step out of your vehicle. Add to the fact that visitor’s parking is in the very front, and the apartments are 2 miles in the back, and you have the longest walk of shame ever.