Lessons Learned From #TTQ

Damn. The UF Black Internets is going crazy. Ninjas are getting technological all of a sudden. It has only been 2 weeks into Summer B, and we already have had 3 cyberspace phenomenons. We blame Black People Twitter. It’s not safe out here White People; we’re coming for everything you hold dear. Techno Tuesdays, Penny Thursdays, and now the Web. “We’re In Yo Internetz, Doing Ninja Shit”. But through all this nonsense, anonymous grandstanding, and entertainment more satisfying than anything on BET or VH1, we have learned a few things. Most notably, ninjas love lists, and ninjas love awards.

The Black Community was all abuzz last night with the resurrection of the #TTQ “Title Town Queens”, in which the “Baddest” females were listed for all the brave ninjas to locate and then try to holler at. And then fail. It was like a most wanted list. The United States could learn from this when hunting terrorists. Hell we might even finally find Osama. Oh Wait. Not to be outdone, the Women struck back by listing #TTK “Title Town Kings”, as well as their friends AND themselves for good measure. It really is a great act of altruism, and desperation. But by examining the comments and subsequent Nerd Rage on that blog, one can analyze The Black Community and notice a few trends. Anthropology “Majors” (LOL) could even do a Senior Thesis on it. But you better put us in your Works Cited page.

Light Skin is in.

It’s official. No matter what you look like, as long as you’re lighter than “The Potato” on Turlington Plaza, you are going to get some play in The Black Community. Go out there and measure yourself now, and determine the fate of your love life. It’s really confusing upon further reflection. White people spend so much time trying to get darker so they don’t glow in the dark, and here Black People are trying to run away from our color as fast as possible. Maybe we should just trade skin. We’d get some added benefits as well, such as believability, and trust funds. On the list, the amount of “Chocolate” guys and girls were scarce, proving that nobody really likes their men and women “Like I like my coffee”, unless you put about 5 cups of creamer in there.

You Can Still Pimp UF from 5 Years Away.

Many of the names on the list were ancient in terms of UF Years. People were naming girls and guys on that list that have graduated (or did they..?) back in 2008. Damn, stop holding on to the past! This should give evidence to those 7^th Year SUPER DUPER SENIORS that you don’t have to stay in college forever just to keep a continuous smash stream coming in. Just hope that the classes coming under you have a good access to the Internet, and you’ll stay popular. This must be the reason everyone “leaves Gainesville for good”, only to be back the very next weekend partying it up in The Venue. You had better plant your seed now, so you can smash some dumb girl holding out for you to come back into town during Graduation. When you come back to smash all the OTHER girls during graduation.

You Just Fucked Up Your Chances.

The creation of this list violates the 1^st rule of “Breezy Ranking”. You don’t tell a Breezy she’s a Breezy. If you thought your sex life was suffering before, it will now be impossible to pull anybody on this list. The key is pulling them before they know they look good, so you’ll have the street cred when they do finally blow up. #BlackRelationshipAdvice. The heads of those named on this list are now swelling to unimaginable levels. No Jimmy Neutron. Guys and Girls will think they are President Obama himself now that their name is out to the public. Within the next week, someone is guaranteed to say “Do you know who I am? I’m on the #TTQ List!”. And you’ll have to accept it, because everything on the Internet is true. At least one person put themselves out there REALLY as a creeper, naming one girl’s outfit everyday for the past 2 weeks. You know he hasn’t smashed anything in 21 years. Lock your doors breezies, it’s not safe out here. Even Casey Anthony is getting free tomorrow.

Good job, The Black Community. We have finally realized the true power of the Internet. A place where we can finally put to rest all the debates in The Black Community. Greeks won’t even need to have forums anymore. So go ahead and cancel “Let’s Chill, Vol. 56”. We don’t need it.